thanks for the bday wishes and all, they mean alot...it seems that life is throwing me lemons. my dog got hit by a car about a week and a half ago, and now she's gone. i can't find a job, and i'm having no luck building a clientel. my phone's shut off and student loans are haunting me. bills, bills, bills and no money to pay them. no one wants to hire me for a desk job, i can't get B. out of my head...i'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop......

this fucking sucks and i wanna' call it quits and run away.

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

i miss you....

....this sucks.

"Well at least let me finish my drink before you kill me."

someone....anyone...please, PLEASE...help me understand gay men.

really.

"Listen Here...I'm A Muslim Democrat, Illegal From Mexico, That Performs Back Alley Abortions On Lesbians. So If You Have Something To Say...SAY IT TO MY FACE!!"

Dont' you think it's ironic that a table of old people were bitching about illegal aliens IN a mexican resturant? true story...happened today at lunch.

alright, i know it's been a while but i've been busy:

i got back to town from MI (which by the way, was a HUGE fuckin' mess. which would explain why i'm back) and after settleing in (and by that i mean eating at all my favorite resturants) we got a phone call from AZ. it looks like my aunt has 6 tumors in her brain, the doc's gave her a year and that's being generous. i sped to my mom and dad's and all i asked is "when are we gonna' leave?" my dad couldn't get out of town fast enough, he needed to see his sister ASAP. to be honest, we all did. my mom and dad, myself and my two sisters took off for a week in San Manuel. we rented a mini-van and headed out. when we got to AZ we found out that my aunt didn't really have 6 tumors in her brain...she has 20 and one in her lung AND she has breast cancer (again), and those are the tumors that they can see. it was an extremely emotional week. i hate to see my aunt go through all of this. again. when my aunt lived here in denver when i was a kid a spent alot of time with her, as far as i'm concerned she's an angel. aside from my own parents i've never known anyone as loving and gentle as her. when she goes, it'll be like a star flickering out in my world. this sucks.

regardless of the reason for our trip, it was the first time my family (i.e. mom, dad, raquel, michelle and me) have been on a "vacation", just the 5 of us, since i was in a stroller. like i said, reason aside...it was really nice to be together for such a long time, just us. and i think it's what i needed after being away in michigan. and NONE OF US...will ever look at geishas the same, ever.

i got back from AZ and less than a week later, my sister woke me up and told me that my Godmother had passed away in her sleep on a trip to New Mexico. so last week we piled up in the car again, and headed out to Frances' funeral. now, to be honest with you, i haven't seen Kika (Kee-Ka, that's what everyone called her) since my HS graduation 14 years ago. but at the services, everyone was talking about how all she loved to do is laugh and joke around and how she hated to see people down or in need and would do anything in her power to help people. she was laughing and carrying on until the day she died. that's just how i remember her.

so now i'm back, AGAIN, and the job hunt is on. i've decided that i just have to buckle down and get a regular mon-fri desk job again and i'l be practicing massage up in morrison on the weekends. so wish me luck on the search for a new cubicle-farm and as far as my massage business goes...SEND ME CLIENTS!!!! seriously.

OH YEAH! - the new SCISSOR SISTERS cd rocks my fucking world out. just like i knew it would. i SO don't regret getting that tattoo on my ass after all! good job guys!! seriously...i fucking LOVE them.

It's True....

i have officially thrown in the proverbial towel...

...the thing is, sometimes it feels good to admit defeat.

(oh yeah, i'll elaborate on all of this later.)

I FEEL REALLY GOOD ABOUT THIS!

things have been set in motion.

THIS ROCKS!!!

"REALLY?!"

sometime's i have to remind myself that i'm not the one who's crazy. seriously.

"Fucking Ants!"

i just got a second job working graveyards at Kohl's. it's now as bad as it sounds, it'sonly 3 nights a week, and it's extra money.

horray!

"I Landed On Some Hard Times. So I Had a Little Profitable Donkey Show In Tijuana...I Mean, Who Hasn't, Right?"

well, i landed the gig at Creative Wellness. which is good. GREAT actually. it's my dream job. it's scary though, so real. it'll be interesting working around dr's and chiropractors and other MT's who've been doing this for YEARS. i'm the total newbe. i just really...REALLY have to focus and work my ass off now to develop a steady practice. plus save up money and move out of here, in about 2 weeks 37,000 college students are about to take over the city, but i still think housing will be ok on my side of town. plus rent is SUPER cheap out here. in the complex i'm in now i could get a 1 bdr townhome for 650 a month. so once i start working i'll be good, right? (fingers crossed) plus i need to work out going back home to get my dog. i miss my princess.

ok...that's all for now.

:SIGH:

things aren't always as they seem. i show face because i don't want anybody to worry. i'm in a horrible situation right now and i don't know what to do.

i have my final meeting with Creative Welness today. i hope it goes well.

...if not, i'm headed home.

i just thought it'd be easier.


(please say a prayer for me)

"HORRAY!!!"

the Scissor Sisters are going to be in chicago in october!!! KICK.ASS. i'm SO there.

"Well, SOMEONE'S Being Bossy"

everyone....this is derrick:

...derrick this is everyone.

enjoy.

(BTW-he.kicks.ass)

i'm sorry you had to go through that.
I'm sorry you hurt.
If i could give up something that brings me joy
...just so you wouldn't feel that, i would,
without question.

i feel like shit.
i feel like a schmuck.

i'm sorry.

"By Spending More Time With Them, It Just Means That I'm Spending Less Time With You. Understand?"

i LOVE Fosters Home For Imaginary Friends. it makes me happy. ok...that's all.

"The G Damn Cat Is Trying To Kill Me!"

the kitty has it out for me. i'm serious.

one would think that living by an IKEA would be total hottness, right? not so much. see...the thing is, you have to figure out when to go when there isn't going to be half a million people there all at the same time. it's madness, i tell you, scandanavian MADNESS!!

the reality is that time are slow and times are tight, but i think if i stay positive things will pick up....

...i dunno, i guess i just thought things would be easier. but. if things are just handed to you, then the reward isn't as sweet.

light a candle.

"I'M BAAACK!!!!"



hey kiddos, i'm back. except now i'm in michigan.

first off let me tell you all that LISA IS A FUCKING ROCK STAR!

seriously. she is. and i wouldn't have been able to make the move without her. THANKS LISAAAAA!

so it's really beautiful up here, i like it. i've never seen so many trees in my whole life, it's out of control. Lansing is very quiet, not alot of riff-raff and the folks are nice. the boys are doing fine and giving me the bullocks every chance they get, it's funny. they're shuch shit talkers. it hasn't been too hot up here, we're fortunate to be missing ou ton this whole heat wave going on in the country. but holy crap!! it's humid. sometimes, you can actually SEE the humidity in the air.

i'm headed out tonight to a sleezy bar...details to follow. let's see...we have some really nice neighbors...OH! and you can buy liquor at the grocery store, how weird is that? like at 7-11 and stuff, it's crazy!

anyway, short post, i know. but i'm alive and i'm ok.

L8r!

"It's Just That, Well...We're Better Than You."

it's my last day at work.

i know i haven't posted, well actually posted in a while. i've had ALOT on my mind lately and i can't really formulate any coherent strings of thought. but i promise, i do, once i'm all moved in i'll fill you all in on work, the move, coachella, an old friend who is suddenly ill, that drunk guy, emo being one step below transvestite, being scared, owing money, being pissed, and telling all of you that i'm leaving how much i really love you...um, did i leave anything out?

in the mean time i'm going to leave you with this:

I MET TRENT REZNOR, BITCHES!!!!!

...talk to you all in a couple of weeks.

_sonny

"Dear Diary...Sometimes I Think You're The Only One Who Really Gets Me."

there!

I blogged.

mkthxbi!

Sweet and Scary!

i just put in my 2 week notice. eeek!!

"You Don't Like Him...Do You?"

all this flirting is driving me crazy. maybe i should just get a plane ticket, go out there and get some action.

...i do have a thing for the redheads.

“…It’s All Just A Grand Diversion. It Could Be You, It Could Be Me...But So Far, They’ve Won”

initially I wanted to talk about Coachella today, but instead I want to talk about the burning bush. (and I’m not talking about Lindsay Lohan) get you're hate mail ready, 'cause i don't give a shit.

OK, all of this is so incredibly fucked up. seriously. we're sending the Nat’l Guard to the southern border, and yet...we're NOT militarizing the border? um, ok. senior asshat kept using the "T" word, and yet...all the "terrorists" are coming in from Canada.

uh, why would they come in from Mexico? they don't want to get here in a van with 38 other people, right?

by controlling the amount of immigrants, oh fuck i'll just say it for him...MEXICANS!!, we are helping to reduce crime in this country. um...FUCK.YOU!

wow, that's a pretty huge generalization on a group of people Jorge!

oh yeah...hey dubya, isn't your brother Jeb's wife Columbia FROM MEXICO?!?! c'mon, how fucked up is that? that's just like when gov. schwarzenegger said "we've got to close our borders to the foreigners" idiot, right?and not only that, along with rumors of that hillbilly-fuck Jeb running for president in 08, they are also grooming his son George P Bush to run as well. (in case you didn't know...George P.'s mom is...(drum roll)... Columbia Bush!)

but really, asshat did say he wants to create a "guest worker" program. which is nice. but to me, "guest worker" sounds so...um, p.c. let's just call it what it really is, LEGALIZED SLAVERY. oh, i'm so pissed off, I can’t even talk about it any more.

and this pisses me off even more:

that asshole tom cruise set up a pre-nup with his robot, er...i mean katie holmes that sets up a $15 mil. trust for her and the baby even if they don't get married! and if they divorce she gets another $25 mil.

holy shit!...and this whole time i just thought she was stupid.

"I Don't Care How Cold You Say It Is, I'm Not Going To 'Feel' Your Nose!"

hmmm...ok,

This is to you. (and you know who you are):

i guess i should rephrase. i think i may have said and/or implied that i don't owe you an explanation. that's not right, in fact...it's just not cool. after dinner with lisa the other night (buca di beppo, yummy!), you some how came up in conversation. she said she started to look at this whole "mess" from your end. and for me to say that i don't, in anyway, owe you an explanation is totally bullshit. and i whole-heartedly agree. i agree, because...that's not what i meant to say. and i should have been more specific. (a lesson i'm learning more and more as i get older) here's what i mean:

for you to ask me for further explanation about decisions that i have made, regarding you specifically, is totally fair and i will answer ANY questions you have. honestly and uncensored. (now i'm not meaning to bring up the past here as any sort of "leverage" or "grudge",but just as an example)

after you came back and we talked that night at your house i asked you "what happened", which is fair, but i never asked you "why"...and to this day i don't know why. and i don't care "why". that's between you and him, that's your business. in the same manner I DO owe you an explanation, totally, but...i don't feel that i have to justify my actions. that, i'll have to trust that you'll understand with any explanation i have to give. explanation vs. justification, i hope you can see the difference between the two in my eyes. just like that night, wanting to know what happened is "fair", but to ask "why" (at least the way i saw it, and still do) was uncalled for, because i had already forgiven you the day you left.

just some food for thought.

p.s.- thanks lisa! sometimes it takes a really good friend to tell another friend he's being a total asshat! :)

"Shhh...He's Freaking Out."

as you can see (see? ==>), i added some links to my blog, y’know…just to pretty it up a bit. but over the past couple of weeks i have totally and unabashedly become addicted to Kevin Smith’s blog. fo’ real, real…not fo’ play, play. even if you’re not into Kev, you really should read the whole “me and my shadow” story (in eight parts no less). besides, any guy who says this is good peeps:

“See, I’m a friend of the gay community. I’ve always maintained that I’m just one cock-in-the-mouth shy of being gay myself. And I understand why gay dudes crave a big, luscious dick: hung like a kindergartner as I am, I, too, have always craved a big, luscious dick myself. Sadly, my thirst will go forever unquenched.”

…admittedly so, a thirst I would have no problem helping Mr. Smith satisfy. :P

...mkthxbi!

"OH Shit!!..."

My Colorgenics Profile:
You are seeking an affectionate relationship, offering fulfilment and happiness. You are capable of powerful emotional enthusiasm. Deep down, you are a kind loving person, always helpful and willing to adapt yourself if necessary to realise the bond of affection that you desire. But you need the same consideration and understanding from others and it is this need that will sometimes hold you back... so let go, trust and you may pleasantly surprised at what happens.You are working extremely hard trying to improve your image in the eyes of others. You are looking for acknowledgement from your peers and those who come into your sphere of influence. You want to be liked, not for what people think of you but for what you really are.

You like the better things in life. You are sensuous and emotional. You are a follower of the Arts and you seek an environment that will give you the fulfilment to the senses that you need.

You are not an argumentative sort of person and 'rather than fight - you'd switch' (an old cigarette ad cliche). But when you try to assert yourself - as sometimes you may try to do - you meet with so much resistance and effrontery that manifests itself so obviously that you become hurt, indignant and resentful. So in order to have peace and quiet you tend to become inhibited. You keep it all to yourself but deep down, you 'feel' and 'hurt' a lot.

The way things are at this time it is necessary to 'go slow'. All the pleasures that you have anticipated should be left in abeyance until some future date, but all is not lost, you are able to derive and achieve considerable gratification from someone quite close to you.You are experiencing excess frustration and agitation which is the result of trying to resist any form of stimulation or excitement. This may lead to nervous exhaustion, angry outbursts or lowering of the libido. This on-going situation could become threatening and dangerous. You are furious at the thought that you may be unable to achieve your goals and even more distressed at your feeling of helplessness to remedy this. You are at the point of a nervous mental and physical breakdown but it's not too late to do something about it - take a rest, forget about everything and try to take heed of that ancient adage 'He who fights and runs away - lives to fight another day'.You are completely worn out and you are not in the mood for any further demands on your resources. The situation - such as it is - has rendered you quite helpless, unable to continue the mental battle that you have been pursuing for some considerable time. Enough is enough. All you would like to do now would be to have some time for yourself, to find a peaceful situation where you can recuperate in your own time.

Now Pick Your Own Colors!

...mkthxbi!

"Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves." - Matthew 7:15

i'm frustrated....

...in sooooooo many ways!

more to come...

oh yeah, i added some links and stuff over there to the right. so, um...yeah =>

"You Can Tar and Feather a Dog, But That Doesn't Make It a Duck"

i know everyone is excited to hear about Coachella, and seriously, i got alot to say...

...but just not right now.

what i do want to say is that everybody, that's right, each and every one of you need to run out and buy the new TOOL cd 10,000 Days. it's one of the best peices of music i've heard since NIN's The Fragile. I LOVE IT, you hear me guys? I'm Super-Duper-Cereal!!

"ZOINKS! This Kooky Plan Just Might Work!!"
or
Coachella 2006


OMFG!..

myself and Scott a.k.a. BabyDaddy

(note the stupid dorky expression on my face)

More To Come....

"A Special Club Night For Short or 'Bite-Sized' Gay Men?...Bite-Sized? So Is That Like 'Homo-Popables' Or Something?"

i went out again last night, is this a kooky trend or what? we went to Charlie's the gay cowboy bar. you know, Brokeback Nightclub. anyway, it was karoke night. and let me tell you this...some of those boys could fuckin' SING! holy shit! i think at one point i think we saw jesus! it was great. it was also christopher's b-day. horray! he got somebody's number, so he may have gotten a happy birthday after all if you know what i mean :wink, wink, nudge, nudge:

something disturbing though:
i'm in no way a fashion-ista, but what's up with men wearing jeans and a t-shirt and then going and tucking their t-shirt into their jeans? i mean, are they trying to "dress it up" a bit? make it all fancy? go out to dinner in their sunday-best-Nascar-shirt or something? OH! and it's even worse with jean shorts. (and PLEASE... don't get me started on jean shorts, ugh)

somebody, please...help me understand.

that's all, thanks

"I Do Like That Tie...Hey Dude, Remember When We Had Hair?"
"Um, Vaguely"

so i just ran into a very good friend of mine, Jeff Jentz!!

i havent seen this guy since his 30th birthday a couple of years ago!!!

how exciting!!

you may notice all the explanation points...i'm excited, really i am. you see, i met jeff about 13 years ago when we were fresh out of high scool and workin' at the theater. i can't even begin to tell you the trouble we got ourselves into (on and off the record). but to tell you the truth seeing him and his kids really brightened my day. it's always nice to run into friends like jeff that you haven't seen in years and years and it's just like you saw eachother yesterday. to be honest with you...it's nice to know that you'll always be loved!

Jeffey...YOU KICK ASS!

"Fuck You, I'm Only Six Minutes Late."

so i hung out with Hansi last week. it was good times. i haven't talked to her for a really long time. we met at JR's to play catch up, which was nice...loud, but nice. then i'm not really sure what got into us but we felt like going out.

yeah yeah i know we were already out, but you know, we wanted..."OUT".

we headed down to Trax (formerly DREAM, formerly Trax 2000) i ran into my old friend shanti working the door. we exchanged emails and a quick smooch through the bullet-proof glass. it was cool seeing her even though it was a short and sweet reunion. but once we got in, um... the music was BAD. beyond bad. it was "circuit" bad. yeah, there were go-go dancers actually on platforms twirling around flourescent flags...uh, that's so 10 years ago (and it wasn't cool back then either). they moved some stuff around there since i'd been there last (about 3 years ago?). they have this great hallway connecting the two rooms with this big long bench that changes colors...long story short, it's a great place to park it and judge people. and let me tall ya', we had no shortage of material. there were so many drunk wasted 'mo's it was rediculous. and who died and went to heaven?...me! (like i said, good times!)

we hung out in the "80's" room for a while and attempted to flirt with people just to toy with their emotions. all that got us was a really akward conversation with a drag queen who kept telling me to tell people i got my hat in berlin and not at Target. (whatever) it all ended when she/he slammed me up against the wall and said "you remind me of my brother"...

...um, no.

the best part though was when the dj played Thriller (yes, that Thriller) and everybody in the room started freak dancing. um, now i'm not normaly one to dis the occasional "freak dance", but Thriller?! really?? Vincent Price's spooky rap doesn't really light a spark in my loins, let alone get me goin' enough to grab the person next to me and grind our crotches together for six minutes. ugh. that was enough, we headed back into the main room and i was stopped dead in my tracks (literally, no lie. back me up on this hansi.) by the, no...THE most beautiful person ever. and the question about the object of my affection was tossed around. (and if you know me really well, you know what that question is!) obviously we had to stick around and dance a bit. (the music was better by then) we just couldn't figure out what was going on with my object's click. the whole "are they, aren't they" vibe was falling off them like confetti. ah, well the world may never know. maybe we should just be happy knowing how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie-roll tootsie-pop. :sigh:

"I Don't Want To Be Sold...I Wanna' Dance!"

um...some faves of mine:

http://www.hotfreelayouts.com/music.php

"Ask Him If He's Bald Everywhere."
or...
Coachella 2005 Revisited pt. IV
or...
Just How Big Is That Damn Tent Anyway?!

alright. so these pics aren't mine, i nabbed them off the Coachella website. (I'll get this out of the way, all photos www.coachella.com)

really this tent is HUGE. it'll be interesting to see what the Madonna crowd will be like in here:

it liooks like this one was taken from the stage

at night it's all lit up and pretty...mmm flowers.

at the end of the night the dj booth goes bye bye and the screen/curtain (scurtain? cureen?!) pulls away and behind it there is a full stage. it looks like this was The Prodigy

"You...Are Such An Ass...:click:"

SERIOUSLY?!

this is fucking bullshit...for real.

OH YEAH....I'm PISSED!

"I Ate My Best Friend...I Totally Ate Carla!"

ok, so here's the deal:

i haven't posted much about my progress with W2 because i felt i could have been doing better, and last week was just a total mess. but i had a really good weigh in this morning and i'm feeling better. let me break it down for ya':

2/26 - initial weigh in: 242.2 lbs / loss: none / total loss: none (lard ass)
3/5 - first week: 236.4 lbs / loss: -6.2 lbs / total loss: 6.2 lbs.
3/12 - second week: 232.4 lbs / loss: -4.0 lbs / total loss: 10.2 lbs.
3/19 - third week: 229.4 lbs / loss: -3.0 lbs / total loss: 13.2 lbs.
3/25 - fourth week: 231.8 lbs / gain: +2.4 lbs / total loss: 10.8 lbs.
4/1 - fifth week: 226.2 lbs / loss: -5.6 lbs / total loss: 16.4 lbs.

i'm feeling MUCH better about all this after today.

in other news, i friend of mine had his movie premier at the Paramount Theater last night, it was good. i'm really proud of him. WAY TO GO BILLY BOY! we ran into wade and tara there. after dinner (Cheesecake Factory, yummy!) we met wade and tara (Wara...Twade?) at some bar in LoDo along with paul and his wife (i can never remember her name...Kari, Kara...Karen?) it was fun. i think we may have made some people uncomfortable cause paul and i immediately fell into our old pattern of verbal abuse. (i TOTALLY miss it!) it really just came down to giving each other shit, in a brotherly-love sorta' way. and, as usual, wade just sat there with his face buried in his hands...mmm, just like old times. all that was missing was scott and his red face. i love 'em all.

"Do You Really Want To Wear A Fanny Pack? Instead, Wear A Sign That Says 'I'm An Assbag' "

Or

Coachella 2005 Revisited Pt. III :

let'see, this was that one guy from UNKLE. he, straight up...kicked ass, everyone totally got their faces completely rocked off. (the pic is a little blurry 'cause i was really busy getting my face rocked off)

at one point in front of the mainstage i just held my arm up and snapped a picture behind me, i think i was about half way in the crowd. right to the side of the control booth. um, that's alot of fucking people, right? (on the left, waaaay off in the distance you can see the dj tent, muy grande!)

this was Kean, i sure do like those boys! mmm, Brit-pop...LOVE IT!

i had to call bob today and see if he bought his plane ticket to ontario (he did). i think he's finally getting REALLY excited about coachella. which is good, then i have someone to be excited with. i think that it's just cause i know what to expect, plus all the good acts that are there this year. OH YEAH, my goal is to spot at least one celebrity in the crowd this year and get a pic with them. last year alot of people ran into danny divito. that would have KICKED ASS! anyway, i also told bob to pack light. last year i packed something like 3 pairs of shorts, 4 t-shirts, 4 boxers, 5 socks and jeans plus the cloths i had on my back whein i flew in...and that was WAY too much. live and learn.

oh! and sunscreen...gotta bring the sunscreen!

in other news, got the route for the big move planned out. i'm thinking we're going to stop in Des Moines to sleep. hopefully if we're lucky i can find that hotel that sunshine and i stayed at and we can have the $10.99 all you can eat mashed potato and jello buffet. yummy!

or, i could just have a dog fart in my face. either way...

i need to find a moving company that will be reasonable to rent a moving truck from. i think nicole said penske was the cheapest they found when they moved back here from Il. dunno' we'll see...anyone have any suggestions?

Fuck You, You're Irish!!


so, i think that this old guy in his 70's was hitting on me in the locker room at the rec. center last night...


...eeew.


that' s all.

Coachella 2005 Revisited pt. deux:

There's all sorts of stuff to see and participate in too, this was my favorite. it was an art installation...right before NIN on sunday, the robots killed the baby. fake blood was spewing over the crowd. it was beautiful!

then, obviously, we saw a ton of acts. here we cought k-os in the hip hop tent. the only thing you can't see is the huge cloud of pot smoke hovering over the crowd. i certainly hope those kids didn't inhale.

um, i believe this was Radio 4 in the indy tent. too much reverb, really tight pants

oh! this was cool...DJ Peretz (a.k.a. Perry Ferrell) , he was singing along with his set. all i kept thinking was "HOLY CRAP! IT"S PERRY FERRELL!"